I had an upsetting wake-up call last night about the skills.  Looking back on my behavior at a meeting I am pretty embarrassed by my yelling, cutting people off, shaking my head, not looking at the people who were trying to explain their point of view, etc.  I acted that way for the entire 2 hours of the meeting, and I was still upset as people left.  And I didn’t care.

I was furious at the 4 other people because I knew I was ‘right’ about my argument (as many of us feel in situations of disagreement where there is a lot at stake).  The result I was trying to achieve meant a lot to me, and I believed it was necessary for the future health of our organization.  I was angry because one person said nothing, and the other three seemed to be trying to hedge instead of saying a hard truth about an important Resolution we were writing.

I realized afterward that the only real problem was that I wasn’t ‘on the balcony.’  I just wanted what I wanted, as did everyone else.  I was in the conversation, on ‘the stage.’ I know that doesn’t work, especially with strong emotions present.  Even after 30+ years of practice with the skills, I can’t access when I’m not “on the balcony.”

I’m not sure what I’d have done if I had been ‘on the balcony.’  I really didn’t want to hear what I was hearing.  To listen would have required a real faith in the skills, to use them when I didn’t feel like it.  All I know is that without listening, from me or from anyone else at the meeting, it degenerated into a fiasco that left no one feeling good about our result.  So I think we have to listen when we don’t want to in cases like this, and that requires (1) being ‘on the balcony,’ and (2) having faith in the listening process beyond our current feelings.  This doesn’t seem easy to me, and I don’t know what works better.

Ed