This is a note about peoples’ sharing re their listening experiences between Parts I and II of the workshop, before we got into the “Speaking Turn” side of things last night.  My favorite part of this work, by far, is listening to peoples’ testimonies about what’s been working or not as they practice with listening.

I want to raise a cautionary red flag about your attempts at listening. Please consider that “taking on” listening as a daily practice in our non-listening culture (Dan didn’t see any listening out there with anyone) is much more difficult than you think it is.  Really.  This is going into the belly of the beast.  I mean who is plugged in enough to listen to “party chatter” at a barbecue?  The tiniest successes have to be acknowleged for what they are, as true miracles. 

So when I coached Coz that she wasn’t listening to her guests’ sharings, and she “got it” immediately without being defensive, that is a success. Or, if you realize after a conversation that you didn’t listen, that is a major success. It is a huge accomplishment to realize after the fact, that you might have had a whole conversation without listening to someone.  That realization is the success in learning how to listen.  Give yourself a pat on the back for the awareness, and just work on having it sooner and sooner in conversations. 

Look at the supremely difficult conversation Mary was in with her co-teacher about the “missing” child. So much was going on for Mary, especially that she has a certain responsibility as age-group leader for the staff, and she actually tried to listen!  Imagine that.  Her listening might not have been the best, so she didn’t get the “Yes,” and she remembered to be a listener!  I say, WOW, for that.  GO MARY!  What an amazing success that was.  So I saddened myself listening to Mary seeing her interaction as a failure.  Please, please remember how difficult this is.  And Dave and Elisabeth — imagine being able, even for a short time, to be able to be as generous as they were with each other within an otherwise not-so-hot conversation with so much at stake?  I say that was INCREDIBLE! 

Please acknowledge every awareness, every tiny step forward, for exactly what it is — a miracle on the path.  Thank you for your energy and your intentionality around this work.  I am thrilled to be part of this new conversation.  Thank you, Stephen, for seeing the worth and creating Salon for our practicing.  Thank you Rula for pushing Stephen to create that.  Thank you Coz for supporting me to bring this brilliant stuff out of my closet.  It’s so clear to me that every one of us is a contribution to to what we have and where we are headed.  Thank you all who participated in our first “Where Love Lives: Fear-Less Conversation.”

 In gratitude and love, Ed

Standing outside the polling place talking with a few friends, we were approached by a man who started muttering angrily to us about how Obama wanted to shut down all the coal mines, and what a jerk he was.  I immediately took in what he looked like, guessed why he was talking to us, and concluded that there would be little hope in telling him he had the wrong context about Obama’s coal comment.  He didn’t like Obama, and would use any information he had to support that stand.  Facts to the contrary would most likely have little impact.  This 3-second assessment told me all of our time would be better served by walking away.

My friends began to react to him.  I don’t think it was a conscious choice.  I was feeling the same agenda they were pushing — to influence him and to change his mind — I just didn’t think a speaking turn would be helpful at that point.  I watched their exchange for a moment or two, adding in a few listening responses like, “So, you basically believe Obama is a jerk.”

He’d nod at me and then go back to the argument with the others.  So, the question I’m left with is, “How does one influence someone who wants to believe something that may have no factual basis in reality?” Is it even possible?

My conclusion, so far, is that nothing can happen without the willingness to first listen.  It seems logical:  why should someone listen to me when I’m not willing to listen to him/her?  Yet, we’re all trying to convince each other of our ‘rightness.’ In a situation like this, for example, with a person holding strong political beliefs, it seems I could listen for a few minutes and really try to understand what I believe is an insane and totally ‘wrong’ point of view.  “So, that comment about the coal really convinced you that Obama isn’t someone whose values you can support.”  “It seems like no matter what anyone would tell you about Obama, even a fact that made sense to you, you won’t change your mind. You want to dislike Obama, no matter what.”

That’s what I was hearing in his speaking, so that would have been my listening feedback — to his process more than to his content.

If I can manage to withhold my own point of view for a few minutes, I might actually be able understand this person  and he would feel understood.  What other path is there to begin a successful communication?  Who’s willing to listen first?  After listening, and getting his “Yes,” I would have a chance to say, “Here’s something I know about Obama that might make sense to you.  Remember how he ________ ?” The man would most likely go off on me again.  And if I was willing, consciously to stay with the process, I would listen again, and the communication cycle would be repeated, with me giving up a lot of airtime.  After 10 or 20 minutes, we might have the start of a productive conversation.

What if this was a spouse, and I disagreed just as vehemently as I did with this stranger?  If I have the skills of Conscious Conversation, am I willing to listen without being listened to in return?  This is just the reality of life on the planet.  People don’t know how to listen.  We don’t value it enough to teach it in our schools, and few teachers are skillful listeners, themselves, so where will people learn how to do it? People don’t know how to do it, much less want to do it.  Given that reality, what am I willing to do?

Ed