“Restorative Justice” is a relatively new concept in the criminal justice system.  The offender and a member of the victim’s family sit across a table from one another, usually many years after the crime.  The purpose is to help the victim restore some sense of sanity to his/her life after the devastating loss.

I watched the process on a program called “Face to Face” on MSNBC, where a 37 year old man faced the sister of man he senselessy and without provocation murdered 21 years ago.  I was struck by a strong, absolute emptiness present in that conversation.  There was nothing the offender could say that would leave the victim feeling “understood.”  What do you say to the sister of a man you shot and killed when you were 16 years old just because you felt like acting out the inner violence you felt and wanted to express?

He was pretty quiet as she spoke and asked him questions like “Why?” “What were you feeling in school that day knowing what you were about to do?” “How do you kill someone you don’t even know?” “What do you think about every year on January 16?”

Sometimes this process is transformative for either or both victim and offender.  In this case it wasn’t.  The sister maintained a fierce anger about who the killer was and what he did.  As I watched the process I realized that the best the offender could do in that case was to listen.  Even that wouldn’t make a difference, but at least the victim might have some sense of being understood.  Maybe listening for a few minutes in a conversation like that would be the start of something that could take years, if ever, to accomplish.  It just all seemed so hopeless to me.

What can we do to heal the regular relationships in our lives where there has been some kind of emotional murder?  Can listening be an opening to reach all the hurt and pain?  And if it could, what would it require from the person (in this case the murderer) to listen, and only listen,  when he/she has so many feelings to express as well?  Whew.

Ed