The Moment of Disagreement: Opportunity or Hassle?

MBYB is only about the moment of disagreement in relationships of unequal power such as  parent:child and teacher: student.  Isn’t the true nature of any relationship defined by how conflict is resolved?  All else between adults and young people is easy — we share, we encourage, we laugh, we teach, we love.

MBYB demands that parents and teachers separate fantasy from reality regarding what we really want when young people challenge our thinking, our decisions, our values, our behaviors, our choices.  At times of conflict, what we say we want in our relationships with kids, and what we do in our behavior with them are worlds apart.

Think about a recent time where someone younger than you expressed his/her disagreement with you by saying something like, “No, I don’t want to” or “Why do I have to?” or “That’s not fair!“  The content of the disagreement doesn’t matter — doing homework, staying up later, cleaning a room, visiting a friend’s house, pushing someone in the lunch line.  Step #1 is you saying what you want or what you think.  What usually happens next, and what would you prefer happens next?  What is your ideal Step #2? Ideally, what do you want when your daughter (son) (student) challenges you?

Choose from the following options:

> She says nothing about how she feels, and does what I want, immediately?

> She says nothing about how she feels, and does what I want, immediately, smiling warmly, pretending to agree with me even though she really doesn’t?

> She says nothing about how she feels, and does what I want, immediately, smiling warmly as she accepts everything I say as “right” and “true” and gives up any internal contrary beliefs or opinions she may have had?

> She states her disagreement in perfectly skillful, elegant, and respectful language no matter how strongly she feels about the issue, and when I repeat once more what I want she does it without another word regardless of her own feelings?

> She states her disagreement, perhaps angrily or with an attitude, and when I tell her once more what I want she immediately drops any of the contrary thoughts, reasons or issues she had, and always accepts whatever I say as ‘right.

> She states her disagreement, and even if spoken with anger and an attitude because of her strong feelings, I say something like, OK, so we don’t see this one the same way.  Thanks for telling me the truth about how you feel.  Let’s take a few minutes to talk about this, and try to figure out what might work best for both of us, or at least for the one of us whose reasoning seems most valid here regardless of our personal feelings?.

What do you, the adult, want when a young person disagrees with you . . . really?

Isn’t it usually any option but the last one?  I rarely see that one as I watch what actually happens between adults and young people.  MBYB is only useful for adults who are sincerely interested in the long-term results (e.g., ethical choices, responsible decision-making, socially just behavior) of resolving conflict through reasoned conversation.  The other options are all coercive, useful for adults whose primary interest with young people is to develop obedient and compliant behavior.

Please see MBYB Overview on website http://www.lisbepartners.com/content/view/mb-yb-overview.html

Ed