Listening to Someone Who Wants to Believe What Isn’t True

Standing outside the polling place talking with a few friends, we were approached by a man who started muttering angrily to us about how Obama wanted to shut down all the coal mines, and what a jerk he was.  I immediately took in what he looked like, guessed why he was talking to us, and concluded that there would be little hope in telling him he had the wrong context about Obama’s coal comment.  He didn’t like Obama, and would use any information he had to support that stand.  Facts to the contrary would most likely have little impact.  This 3-second assessment told me all of our time would be better served by walking away.

My friends began to react to him.  I don’t think it was a conscious choice.  I was feeling the same agenda they were pushing — to influence him and to change his mind — I just didn’t think a speaking turn would be helpful at that point.  I watched their exchange for a moment or two, adding in a few listening responses like, “So, you basically believe Obama is a jerk.”

He’d nod at me and then go back to the argument with the others.  So, the question I’m left with is, “How does one influence someone who wants to believe something that may have no factual basis in reality?” Is it even possible?

My conclusion, so far, is that nothing can happen without the willingness to first listen.  It seems logical:  why should someone listen to me when I’m not willing to listen to him/her?  Yet, we’re all trying to convince each other of our ‘rightness.’ In a situation like this, for example, with a person holding strong political beliefs, it seems I could listen for a few minutes and really try to understand what I believe is an insane and totally ‘wrong’ point of view.  “So, that comment about the coal really convinced you that Obama isn’t someone whose values you can support.”  “It seems like no matter what anyone would tell you about Obama, even a fact that made sense to you, you won’t change your mind. You want to dislike Obama, no matter what.”

That’s what I was hearing in his speaking, so that would have been my listening feedback — to his process more than to his content.

If I can manage to withhold my own point of view for a few minutes, I might actually be able understand this person  and he would feel understood.  What other path is there to begin a successful communication?  Who’s willing to listen first?  After listening, and getting his “Yes,” I would have a chance to say, “Here’s something I know about Obama that might make sense to you.  Remember how he ________ ?” The man would most likely go off on me again.  And if I was willing, consciously to stay with the process, I would listen again, and the communication cycle would be repeated, with me giving up a lot of airtime.  After 10 or 20 minutes, we might have the start of a productive conversation.

What if this was a spouse, and I disagreed just as vehemently as I did with this stranger?  If I have the skills of Conscious Conversation, am I willing to listen without being listened to in return?  This is just the reality of life on the planet.  People don’t know how to listen.  We don’t value it enough to teach it in our schools, and few teachers are skillful listeners, themselves, so where will people learn how to do it? People don’t know how to do it, much less want to do it.  Given that reality, what am I willing to do?

Ed