How long to listen?

I was in a group recently where the question came up of how a listener knows when a speaker is finished?  There’s not an easy answer to that one.

The most expressive speakers are easier to read.  They just put it all out without taking a breath as if there’s no tomorrow.  When they finally do pause to take a breath, they are usually finished.   Someone like me, on the other hand, who is slower in general and pauses to think a lot while speaking is tougher to read.  I might pause for 5 or 10 or more seconds to think about what I am saying and what I want to say next.

So, there’s a whole lot to think about re whether or not a speaker is finished.  Often I know a speaker is done, and it still does not feel appropriate to take a speaking turn.  They might be done speaking, but I know they are not done with their feelings about whatever it was they were talking about.  I know it.  I can feel it.  So, I don’t  just start responding or speaking because I’ve got the “green light” and it’s legal to speak.  In this case it might be best to say something like this to the speaker, Wow . . . a lot in that for you.  Seems even too big for you to handle.  I have some time tomorrow afternoon if it would help to say some more about it.  That would be great, and if not that’s fine. Hey, thanks so much for being willing to tell me about it.  Ready to go get some pizza?

The point: The SPEAK: LISTEN ratio is not 1: 1.  Just because I listen does not mean I automatically get to speak even if all the cues are there that the speaker is done.  Life is not just about me, and my reactions, and what I have to say.  A little less self-absorption can go a long way toward better communication.

Ed