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Ed and I were at someone’s house last night, planning a local listening workshop.  We were trying to find a title for the training that would capture the magic of the moment that occurs not just for the speaker when she is really heard, but for the listener even more.  It’s difficult to put into words, but i’m going to try now.

When I censor my automatic “14 non-listening reactions” (http://www.lisbepartners.com/content/view/what-listening-is-not.html) and wait for the speaker to finish, I let go of my opinions and instead, stay with the speaker by helping her arrive at her own conclusion–even though it is often obvious to any listener what the “right” conclusion should be.

So many times I have felt such impatience, because the solution is so apparent to me.  I don’t want to stay and wait for the other to finish.  I want to reach a conclusion, get consensus, and move ON.  But to experience the magical kind of listening requires patience and suspension of my agenda and judgments.  Sort of like good sex:  the caring partner waits until his lover is ready; it’s not just about him and his needs; after all, conversation, like sex, is social intercourse:  it takes two.

When i have waited for and coached the other within his framework, the rewards have catapulted me to a completely unexpected place.  I’m one of those women who don’t like emotional exchanges.  I don’t cry.  I’m not interested in other people’s dramas; I’m bored with my own.  I have no interest, even, in helping people resolve anything.  I refer them to good therapists.

The first time Ed coached me in listening 3 years ago, I listened to a friend whom I had issues with.  Ed advised me to have him speak first, even though i was the one with the problem; that way, he’d not be as defensive.  Well, 3 hours later, my friend was still talking.  He opened up to me his vision, his dream of starting a journal, etc.  I–the ice princess–was actually brought to tears.  I felt the resentment melt away (it became less & less personal; it sort of became abstract then evaporated).  I suddenly felt “human”–i.e., vulnerable, humbled, not as judgmental or certain about my opinions.  I was in a shaky, new and unexpected place, where the next moment was totally unpredictable.

The other times i’ve had magical moments were again, more about me than the speaker:  in granting the speaker the space to expand her thoughts, I’m empowering myself at another level.  I feel more like a leader, someone with class, when I allow the other to be the focus of attention.

Kathleen

It is becoming clearer to me that one of the biggest problems for people re listening, is that they do not recognize, as I see it, a person’s ‘red’ in most conversations.  ‘Red,’ or a show of emotion, is usually not as obvious as this:

It’s usually more just an inflection on a word, or a facial expression.  We can watch for it whether we are speaking and someone is reacting, or we are just listening to someone who begins to talk to us.  I cannot emphasize enough how critical it is to continually ask the question, “Who’s got the ‘red?”

The man who first identified the normal, human reactive responses was Thomas Gordon.  He called them, in his seminal work “Parent Effectiveness Training” the 12 barriers or roadblocks to communication.  See http://www.gordontraining.com/

“Restorative Justice” is a relatively new concept in the criminal justice system.  The offender and a member of the victim’s family sit across a table from one another, usually many years after the crime.  The purpose is to help the victim restore some sense of sanity to his/her life after the devastating loss.

I watched the process on a program called “Face to Face” on MSNBC, where a 37 year old man faced the sister of man he senselessy and without provocation murdered 21 years ago.  I was struck by a strong, absolute emptiness present in that conversation.  There was nothing the offender could say that would leave the victim feeling “understood.”  What do you say to the sister of a man you shot and killed when you were 16 years old just because you felt like acting out the inner violence you felt and wanted to express?

He was pretty quiet as she spoke and asked him questions like “Why?” “What were you feeling in school that day knowing what you were about to do?” “How do you kill someone you don’t even know?” “What do you think about every year on January 16?”

Sometimes this process is transformative for either or both victim and offender.  In this case it wasn’t.  The sister maintained a fierce anger about who the killer was and what he did.  As I watched the process I realized that the best the offender could do in that case was to listen.  Even that wouldn’t make a difference, but at least the victim might have some sense of being understood.  Maybe listening for a few minutes in a conversation like that would be the start of something that could take years, if ever, to accomplish.  It just all seemed so hopeless to me.

What can we do to heal the regular relationships in our lives where there has been some kind of emotional murder?  Can listening be an opening to reach all the hurt and pain?  And if it could, what would it require from the person (in this case the murderer) to listen, and only listen,  when he/she has so many feelings to express as well?  Whew.

Ed

Red “stop” - green “go” - See my webpage “Whose turn is it?”

Red-Green-Light

Ed

Remember, when someone says, You’re not listening to me, or You never listen to anything I say, or Why can’t you just listen, it is not just an unquantifiable, ethereal, vague, subjective, judgmental criticism.  Without saying it, they are specifically speaking about your reaction being one or more of the 14 typical non-listening human habits.  See the list on the following link:

http://www.lisbepartners.com/content/view/what-listening-is-not.html

I’ve found that no matter how clearly I present Conscious Conversation in a workshop, peoples’ real learning of  the listening/speaking turns occurs only when I point out the ‘red’ interactions between people in the room as they react, unskillfully, to the material.

I was in a group recently where the question came up of how a listener knows when a speaker is finished?  There’s not an easy answer to that one.

The most expressive speakers are easier to read.  They just put it all out without taking a breath as if there’s no tomorrow.  When they finally do pause to take a breath, they are usually finished.   Someone like me, on the other hand, who is slower in general and pauses to think a lot while speaking is tougher to read.  I might pause for 5 or 10 or more seconds to think about what I am saying and what I want to say next.

So, there’s a whole lot to think about re whether or not a speaker is finished.  Often I know a speaker is done, and it still does not feel appropriate to take a speaking turn.  They might be done speaking, but I know they are not done with their feelings about whatever it was they were talking about.  I know it.  I can feel it.  So, I don’t  just start responding or speaking because I’ve got the “green light” and it’s legal to speak.  In this case it might be best to say something like this to the speaker, Wow . . . a lot in that for you.  Seems even too big for you to handle.  I have some time tomorrow afternoon if it would help to say some more about it.  That would be great, and if not that’s fine. Hey, thanks so much for being willing to tell me about it.  Ready to go get some pizza?

The point: The SPEAK: LISTEN ratio is not 1: 1.  Just because I listen does not mean I automatically get to speak even if all the cues are there that the speaker is done.  Life is not just about me, and my reactions, and what I have to say.  A little less self-absorption can go a long way toward better communication.

Ed

Welcome to the Lisbe Partners Blog.

I’ll be writing my thoughts and experiences (1) with “people skills” each day, and (2) with examples I see around me where adults interact with children in accordance with or in violation of the “My ‘Body’ - Your ‘Body’” model of socially just conflict resolution in “power over” relationships.

I hope you will write with your own issues and questions, and will share examples from your lives. This should be a lively dialogue. I’m very much looking forward to it.

Best, Ed