Archive for March, 2009

Ed and I were at someone’s house last night, planning a local listening workshop.  We were trying to find a title for the training that would capture the magic of the moment that occurs not just for the speaker when she is really heard, but for the listener even more.  It’s difficult to put into words, but i’m going to try now.

When I censor my automatic “14 non-listening reactions” (http://www.lisbepartners.com/content/view/what-listening-is-not.html) and wait for the speaker to finish, I let go of my opinions and instead, stay with the speaker by helping her arrive at her own conclusion–even though it is often obvious to any listener what the “right” conclusion should be.

So many times I have felt such impatience, because the solution is so apparent to me.  I don’t want to stay and wait for the other to finish.  I want to reach a conclusion, get consensus, and move ON.  But to experience the magical kind of listening requires patience and suspension of my agenda and judgments.  Sort of like good sex:  the caring partner waits until his lover is ready; it’s not just about him and his needs; after all, conversation, like sex, is social intercourse:  it takes two.

When i have waited for and coached the other within his framework, the rewards have catapulted me to a completely unexpected place.  I’m one of those women who don’t like emotional exchanges.  I don’t cry.  I’m not interested in other people’s dramas; I’m bored with my own.  I have no interest, even, in helping people resolve anything.  I refer them to good therapists.

The first time Ed coached me in listening 3 years ago, I listened to a friend whom I had issues with.  Ed advised me to have him speak first, even though i was the one with the problem; that way, he’d not be as defensive.  Well, 3 hours later, my friend was still talking.  He opened up to me his vision, his dream of starting a journal, etc.  I–the ice princess–was actually brought to tears.  I felt the resentment melt away (it became less & less personal; it sort of became abstract then evaporated).  I suddenly felt “human”–i.e., vulnerable, humbled, not as judgmental or certain about my opinions.  I was in a shaky, new and unexpected place, where the next moment was totally unpredictable.

The other times i’ve had magical moments were again, more about me than the speaker:  in granting the speaker the space to expand her thoughts, I’m empowering myself at another level.  I feel more like a leader, someone with class, when I allow the other to be the focus of attention.

Kathleen

It is becoming clearer to me that one of the biggest problems for people re listening, is that they do not recognize, as I see it, a person’s ‘red’ in most conversations.  ‘Red,’ or a show of emotion, is usually not as obvious as this:

It’s usually more just an inflection on a word, or a facial expression.  We can watch for it whether we are speaking and someone is reacting, or we are just listening to someone who begins to talk to us.  I cannot emphasize enough how critical it is to continually ask the question, “Who’s got the ‘red?”

The man who first identified the normal, human reactive responses was Thomas Gordon.  He called them, in his seminal work “Parent Effectiveness Training” the 12 barriers or roadblocks to communication.  See http://www.gordontraining.com/